When is a pathway a fairway?
A most unfortunate incident occurred on Friday 2nd October which has shaken the very fabric of DOGS golf. I cannot bring myself to write about it other than to note that it involved a certain Capt RT, a canal, a fence, a man-made pathway and an absurd (strike that…..a desperate…..no lets settle for a highly dubious claim for the red cap (rejected at the time by our man Statto, but challenged subsequently in the bar by RT with the help of some members who had clearly been bought beer by the aforementioned single (but working hard on Mrs T #3) RT.
The distressing event has led me to conclude that it is high time that a DOGS rule book is (i) written (ii) adopted and (iii) adhered to by its members. I have therefore taken it upon myself to compile the first draft of the rulebook (encompassing Articles of Association, Mission Statement and considerable Poetic Licence) for members to comment upon, elaborate, correct or discard.
‘THE DOGS’
Date of incorporation: [June 2006?]
Home course: Tiverton Golf Club
Club Name: The DOGS (which stands for the Devon Orange Golf Society, the Dirty Old Gits Society or the Dazzling Original Garments Society depending on who you ask [what is the official name?]
Chairman, President and Club Captain; Mr Mike Finch
Founder members: Mr Mike Finch (retired banker), Captain Richard Thomas (semi-retired pilot), Captain Malcolm Scott (bandit) and Mr Charlie Ricketts (credit crunched city slave)
Fully fledged DOGS members: Mr Kevin ‘Statto’ Phillips (polymath), Mr David Stedman (jolly nice fellow), Mr Harry ‘Half Pint’ Borden (paparazzi)
CLUB RULES
General
1 No practicing
1.1 For the avoidance of doubt the taking of more than one ‘shadow swing’ whilst at address is a breach of rule 1
2 The local rules of the course will apply subject to rule 3
3 DOGS rules will override all local rules
3.1 In the event of any request for a ruling, the Chairman’s word is final
4 New members may join DOGS at the invitation of the Chairman further to
4.1 Recommended by at least 2 current members
4.2 A minimum of 6 months extreme grovelling and ingratiation
5 Membership fees will be set at zero in perpetuity
6 Player handicaps will be determined by Statto
6.1 All completed scorecards must be submitted to Statto; any reported attempts to conceal scorecards or in any way to influence Statto will be punished with handicap reduction
7 A DOGS match has a quorum of 3 players including a minimum of 2 members
8 A match becomes a qualifying DOGS fixture once 9 holes have been completed
9 Prep School dress code applies
Course Etiquette
10 Proper reference will be given to the following course landmarks
- ‘Finch’s Field’; Hole 2 out of bounds on the right;
- [Hole 3 has had Charlie’s Copse chopped down and I can’t think of an alliteration for ‘Richard’s Fairway’ (that’s the path down the right)]
- ‘Kevin’s Korner’; Hole 6 trees at the corner of the dog-leg;
- ‘Thomas’s Tee’; the 18th tee oft visited from Hole 17
- [Where’s Borden’s Bunker, David’s Ditch, Scott’s Scrub etc?]
11 Slow play; DOGS matches falling behind the game ahead must wave through any ‘chasing’ games behind
11.1 For the avoidance of doubt rule 11 does not apply if the chasing game includes the ‘Pink Lady’
12 Any member having sight of a playable line through trees (a ‘DOGS line’) must play that line. A member declining to play a ‘DOGS line’ may be reported for cowardice and invited to purchase a round of roast chicken crisps at the 19th hole
13 ‘Gimmes’ will not be allowable, except
13.1 Where a member’s ball finishes within a club’s length of the hole, or
13.2 When the Chairman so decrees
14 A member playing out of turn without invitation from playing partners may be addressed thus; ‘great shot, now play it again!’ (note this is a polite instruction to replay the shot without penalty)
DOGS competitions
15 The DOGS Masters will be held at each quarter end. The winner of the event will receive the coveted ‘Top Dog Trophy’ (kindly donated by the very nice fellow) and may have his name inscribed on it alongside those of previous illustrious winners
16 All members are encouraged to play the DOGS Masters. If a member is unable to enter the competition and is the holder of any DOGS attire or memorabilia (the Orange Shirt, the Harlequin Trousers, the Grid Shirt, the Chefs Trousers, the red cap, the yellow cap, the Explorers hat, Bolly, the Champagne Moment Trophy) he may put the relevant item ‘in play’ at the DOGS match immediately preceding the Masters and pass on the relevant item to the appropriate member (see qualifying rules 17 to 25) on completion of the round
16.1 Any member found exploiting rule 16 simply to rid himself of DOGS attire will be unceremoniously expelled from the Club
17 The winner of the Top Dog Trophy (‘the Master’) will also be entrusted with Bolly, mans best friend. Bolly must be kept in the winner’s golf bag on an appropriate BollyWood. Should the Master subsequently lose a legitimately convened DOGS match, the stewardship of Bolly will pass to the winner of the said match. The new dog-sitter will then put Bolly ‘in play’ for subsequent matches and the winner on each occasion will assume responsibility for the safety and well being of Bolly
18 Rule 13.1 will not apply to the guardian of Bolly
19 The player hitting the longest drive at the 3rd hole onto the fairway will be awarded the Red Cap (providing the current holder of the cap is playing)
19.1 For the avoidance of doubt, the fairway is the short grassy bit down the middle; the hard gritty bit down the right hand side is what is commonly known as a ‘path’
19.2 For the avoidance of doubt, a qualifying red cap drive may only be the first shot from the tee, preceded if necessary (see rule 1.1) by a maximum of one shadow swing. Subsequent picking up and dropping of the ball does not form part of ‘the first shot from the tee’
20 The player hitting their 2nd shot closest to the pin on the 12th hole will be awarded the Yellow Cap (providing the current holder of the cap is playing)
21 The losing founder member of any DOGS match involving at least 2 founder members will be awarded the Orange Shirt (providing the current holder of the shirt is playing)
22 The loser of any DOGS match will be awarded the Harlequin Trousers (providing the current holder of the trousers is playing)
23 The player furthest from the pin on the 14th hole will be awarded the Grid Shirt (providing the current holder of the shirt is playing)
23.1 The holder of the Grid Shirt must add his initials onto the shirt each time the shirt is awarded to him
24 The player hitting the most shots from a bunker in a DOGS Masters’ event will be awarded the Chef’s Trousers. These trousers are to be worn at DOGS Masters events only (except in the case of rule 16)
25 Any player hitting a drive into the canal on the 3rd hole will be awarded the Explorers Hat [is that right?] (providing the current holder of the hat is playing)
26 Each DOGS Masters event will also award the Champagne Moment Trophy to the player who creates the most memorable or remarkable feat of the day
Clubhouse Etiquette
27 No Mars bars in the Clubhouse
28 No half pints
29 No trailers in the car park
Errors and Omissions
30 Please note that not all the rules are in the rule book
30.1 For the avoidance of doubt, ignorance of rule 30 is no excuse for failure to abide by it
For the avoidance of doubt, does the outcome of Rule 20 depend on the ball resting upon the putting surface?
ReplyDeleteAnd, Rule 14 is an R&A rule. Therefore, is it, in fact, therefore disqualified from the D.O.G.S. rulebook?
Richard's Fairway could be Dick's Dirt-track.
Further to Kevin's comments, I agree the qualification to rule 20 (not least because I've held onto the yellow cap for the last 2 matches by virtue of no one hitting the green!)
ReplyDeleteSince as you know I don't know the rules of golf, I don't know if you're being serious about Rule 14 - but if it really is an R&A rule then I agree that it shouldn't be in our Rule book at all!
Three points !
ReplyDelete1) I feel the fence-feud-fiasco has gone on too long ! The fighting must stop
" It'll all be over by Christmas !"
We Brits have heard that before , and I feel something drastic needs to be done, I'm going to drop the Big One.
It was the perpendicular pronoun (I) that really deserved the Red Cap on that fateful day ! To explain why, I would like to talk a bit of balls....or rather about balls.
It is common knowledge that Richard likes to give his balls a good slapping, whilst Charlie prefers to caress his, and many's the time I've stood in awe watching these two artists at work, wondering who will achieve the greatest length !
But what of the Balls' intentions ! Both were stroked admirably by the aforementioned protagonists , however, I put it to you that the balls were hell-bent on spearing off into the canal, one (Richard's) was thwarted by the fence, the other (Charlie's) held up by the thick dew present on the grass at the time . Kevin's ball managed to avoid these impedimenta and achieved it's goal, by returning to the primordial soup ! My Ball was fair and square on the fairway and showed no signs of yearning for the canal.
These are the facts of the case and show clearly that the Cap belongs to me !
This brings me on to item two.
2) I am purchasing a 'Spawny Git' prize for the DOGS and will present it for scrutiny, to the clubs selection board, at the appropriate time.
It has been brought to my attention that every now and then a DOG can have his day and a ball that is heading for the 'Long Grass' (trees, scrub, sand or CANAL) can miraculously find it's way back to the 'Short Grass' (Fairway, short rough, or green ) I suggest this is spawnyness, and should be rewarded in true DOGS fashion. i.e. a fashionable pair of socks to go with Prep School rules.
This brings me to item three.
3) I propose a DOGS Motto for your delectation and, hopefully, your approval :
'Pissare in herba alta cum canes magnus'
loosely translated 'Piss in the tall weeds with the big dogs '
On approval I intend to find a suitable Logo (Perhaps a Great Dane cocking his leg on a poodle ?) and get some shirts made up....