Caption 5

Caption 4

Caption 3

Guess who..

Caption 2

Picture 1

This is the first of a series of pictures. These pictures need captions. I will give a prize to the best caption at the Spring DOGS tournament.

In keeping with the spirit of financial regulators, OFSTED and Standard and Poor, I will change the rules, and my mind, as and when I see fit.

Yours respectfully etc. David

Appeal against unfair handicap

A very merry Christmas and seasons blessings to you all.

What happened to my 28.5? No sooner than I get a decent round I get punished!

I'd like to reassure fellow pups that it was purely an accident. I am also, grugdgingly, prepared to accept the honourable handicap secretary's decision.

Ho Ho Ho and have a good one

Regards

David

Winter Top Dog

It's been a while since I (or anyone else) last posted. I have to admit that I cannot remember all the outcomes of the Winter Masters, other than the fact that Mike was an exceptiopnally worthy champion, for the third time. What we failed to recognise in the excitement of the day was that he shot an 80, his best round by 3 shots. Last Friday normal service was resumed - he scored 97.

Other notable achievements on the big day included Charlie's best 9 holes (42 over the back nine); and more importantly (sorry Charlie) an exceptional score by David. According to my records, he scored 100 which is 7 better than his previous best, and popped in his first birdie on the 14th.

Consequently, there have been some substantial changes in handicaps. It needs to be mentioned that if the score on a single hole is more than two shots over the handicap, then the excess shots don't count, eg if you shoot a 9 on a par 4 this is counted as a 6. Consequently, an erratic round can do some serious damage to the handicap.

So, here they are, in ascending order.

Harry 11.4
Richard 12.5
Mike 12.8
Kevin 15.3
Charlie 16.5
Malcolm 19.3
David 25.5

I have taken note of the scores posted by Martin and Richard Maunder. With enough rounds, they too will be given a D.O.G.S. handicap.

Monthly Medal

Well, we made maximum use of our club handicaps (Mike 23, Kevin 17) to score a princely 32 and 35 points respectively. Will this be enough for a famous D.O.G.S. victory on a bigger stage? We wait for the final scores with baited breath.

On another matter Mike asked me to check the details of Friday's match. He is right in correcting the misinformation of the previous report - there were in fact 19 pars and a birdie. 5 pars for Malcolm, 7 pars for Mike and 7 pars and a birdie for me.

Oh, I Like That!

Such were the words uttered on the final tee (the ninth hole) at Tiverton Golf Club on Friday morning as Mike hit his shot true and straight at the flag. It was the final hole of a scintillating performance by all three players, with a combined 17 pars and a birdie. My God! Perhaps we can play this game!

Final gross scores were Mike 86, Kevin 87 and Malcolm 93. Even more impressively, the back nine scores were 43, 39 and 43. Fantastic chipping and putting, approach shots and straight drives clearly make this game quite easy. The question is whether Mike can maintain this form in Monday's Club Monthly Medal.

Handicap update: Charlie 16.3, David 28.5, Harry 12.4, Kevin 15.2, Malcolm 19.2, Mike 14.3 and Richard 12.8.

Correct DOGS terminology?

An Adolf Hitler taking two shots in a bunker
An Arthur Scargill great strike but a poor result
A Rodney King over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson somehow got away with it
A Condom safe but didn't feel very good
An elephant's arsehole it's high; and it stinks
A sister-in-law I'm up there, but I know I shouldn't be
A Sally Gunnell it's ugly but it's still running
A Kate Moss thinned it
An IRA shot hitting a provisional
A nipple licker a shot that opens up the hole
A Diego Maradonna nasty five footer
A Salman Rushdie an impossible read
A Rock Hudson thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A Paris Hilton an expensive hole
A Cuban needs one more revolution
An Elton John a big bender that lips the rim
A Glen Miller kept low and didn't make it over the water
A Blondie a fair crack up the middle
A Princess Grace should have taken a driver
A Princess Di shouldn't have taken a driver
A Robin Cook just died on the hill
A Michael Jackson gradually fading
An Anna Kournikova looks great, but unlikely to get a result
A Vinnie Jones nasty kick when you're not expecting it
A Tony Blair too much spin
A Bin Laden driven out, never to be found again
Jamie Oliver you really want to smack it but you can't

Kevin's weekly Latin test !

I like Kevin's challenges , where on earth does he get them ?
How about a Dog's cryptic crossword ?.......
I'll start you off with 1 across ; 'Start without the right to, becomes a dog ' (6) _ _ _ _ _ _

Farrago fatigans!

Not much to report from Friday, particularly as the photo below tells its own story.

I did notice over the weekend, though, that there is a new movie out called Colin. It is a zombie movie and cost just £45 to make! What are we to conclude from that?

Well done Malcolm on the last title. This week's title could have been used by Mike and me after last week's debacle in the Monthly Stableford.

With respect to our proposed motto

Below is the reply I received from the Head of Classics at Malvern College....... I had forwarded Malcolm's attempted translation of Piss with the big dogs in the tall weeds...........

"To peese - in high grass - with/when - the dogs - a big one"
What sort of blether is this, Ricketts? I knew you weren't paying attention when we did agreement and cases! Obviously too much prep time spent in the nets, rather than learning Latin vocab and case endings!
Pissare: surely pisare - very late Latin - and why the infinitive? You want the imperative!! Hence: pisa (singular) pisate (plural).
in alta herba: well, at least you got something almost right. But why singular? And didn't we tell you adjectives follow the noun they describe? Surely in herbis altis.
cum takes the Ablative Case for goodness sake!
And the Ablative plural of canis - and I thought we had been through the 3rd Declension a 1000 times! - is canibus. No, not cannabis, you clown!
Stop fiddling with your glasses and pay attention
magnus: this is heart-breaking, Ricketts. Adjectives have to agree with the nouns they describe. So not magnus (Nom, masc, sing) but magnis (Abl, masc, plur).
So, write out a hundred times:
pisate in herbis altis cum canibus magnis
and hand it in at Break tomorrow!
Actually, Charlie, not a bad crack at it - after all those years!
If you want it in more Classical Latin, try this:
mingite in herbis altis cum canibus magnis! = [you lot, go and] urinate in the tall weeds with the dogs!
Or perhaps you might want to say:
mingimus in herbis altis sicut canes magni = we urinate in the tall weeds just like the big dogs [do]

Bolly Moves on.

Bolly goes to a new home and the long drive hat was won by Malcolm. Not sure there was an entitlement to pass it on as the previous owner is still in dispute. Apparently the question has gone to the R and A!!



CANUS MAXIMUS Moves on!

Potential New Member

An ideal candidate and one who might be able to piss in the very tall grass with particularly large DOGS!!

Practice !

Whilst Kevin and Mike were hard at it representing the DOGS , and obviously doing a little spadework on their handicaps at the same time, I received the above evidence of a DOG Practicing !

 Now I can't tell whether that is a Big Bertha in his hands or whether he's about to play a golf shot ! Either way he's Pissing in some pretty big weeds , so the Jury is out on whether to shave another point off his handicap .

 He then sent the following picture and stated 'This is not practice , this is real Work !'

Fair enough I suppose .........

Appalling

No other word can describe the abysmal performance of Mike and Kevin on Monday in the Club's Monthly Stableford.

All you need to know is that our handicaps have risen by 0.1 apiece to 14.8 and 15.1 respectively.

Canis Maximus !!

Due to a flaw in Statto's handicap system I will be 'Canis Maximus'  for a very short time as I'm now down to 19 ! Beam me up Scotty ! (Me transmitte sursum caledoni)
 We need all of the 'Magnificent 7' and  a slightly more formal setting if we are to sneak a picture into the clubhouse . Have a great game in the sun and see you on Friday .

Me transmitte sursum, caledoni

The golf took second place on Friday to a detailed review of the rulebook. This will be published shortly, once Mike's heiroglyphics have been deciphered.

There was a meeting convened with the General Manager of Tiverton Golf Club, who after due consideration, deferred to the Club Captain, who sat down at the table next to us. He quickly responded with the ruling that the ball can only be deemed admissable in the contest for the longest drive on the third hole of the course if it was resting on the short green stuff, commonly known as the fairway. We immediately thanked him effusively for his excellent independent interpretation of the rules before he turned to his fellow golfers and asked for their opinion. This prompted further debate and the suggestion that we hold the longest drive competition on a different hole. This was instantly dismissed as being un-D.O.G.-like.

The other matter up for debate was a club motto. Malcolm has made his proposal, Charlie is ensuring the grammar is correct. In the meantime, anybody fancy translating the title to this post? It has nothing to do with golf.

By the way, Malcolm played really well. His handicap is deservedly cut from 20.8 to 19.2. Charlie edges up to 16.3, Mike and Kevin stay unchanged on 14.7 and 15.0 respectively.

You can't teach old DOGS new tricks !!

Can I Come On ?

Can I come on?

All that talk of slapping, stroking and length for those of us recently returned from the Gobi desert its all a bit much.

Like the idea for the Spawny Git trophy and I have a nomination.

Would like to be able to piss in the long grass with the big Dogs.

When's the tour?

In my defense your honour!!

This one will run and run!!( The drive not this post.)

A number of false allegations have raised and my DOGS honour has been impugned and I would like to put my side of the fairway/story.

Having suffered the slings and arrows in my new persona as "Colin the Choker" I stood tall on the 3rd tee despite the heartbreaking loss of a recent major. I had something to prove. Following a single ghost swing I unleashed the mother of all drives. It arched majestically onto the centre of the fairway, the crowd were hushed (primarily because there weren't any!). After a considerable hike I arrived at the ball's resting place. I called back to Charlie, who I could just make out further back down the fairway, that I was placing my ball back on the fairway in accordance with the local rule.

The insinuation that I would challenge the honour of a fellow "foundherdog" is potentially libelous. I happened, while attending the bar (in accordance with Rule 28) enter into a discussion with a few new found friends as to the quality and style of Charlie's huge drive. They agreed that it was an exquisite one but what about mine? Mine was a fraction longer I said but, sadly, on the pathway.The winning shot they said as the pathway was classed as ground under repair! Surely not I said. The fact that an extra barrel of beer appeared at these fine gentleman's party was purely coincidental!

Somehow contrary to DOGS tradition "what happens on tour stays on tour" (Rule 31) the matter was referred to the general manager instead of being passed up the chain of Command to our most gracious Chairman.

I obviously concur with all the new rules as so eloquently recorded although there does seem to be a little too much emphasis on Richard's Road. I place myself voluntarily in front of the DOGS disciplinary committee safe in the knowledge that at all times I attempted to uphold the lofty goals and aspirations expected of a "foundherdog".

I rest the case for the accused!

When is a pathway a fairway?

A most unfortunate incident occurred on Friday 2nd October which has shaken the very fabric of DOGS golf. I cannot bring myself to write about it other than to note that it involved a certain Capt RT, a canal, a fence, a man-made pathway and an absurd (strike that…..a desperate…..no lets settle for a highly dubious claim for the red cap (rejected at the time by our man Statto, but challenged subsequently in the bar by RT with the help of some members who had clearly been bought beer by the aforementioned single (but working hard on Mrs T #3) RT.

The distressing event has led me to conclude that it is high time that a DOGS rule book is (i) written (ii) adopted and (iii) adhered to by its members. I have therefore taken it upon myself to compile the first draft of the rulebook (encompassing Articles of Association, Mission Statement and considerable Poetic Licence) for members to comment upon, elaborate, correct or discard.

‘THE DOGS’

Date of incorporation: [June 2006?]
Home course: Tiverton Golf Club
Club Name: The DOGS (which stands for the Devon Orange Golf Society, the Dirty Old Gits Society or the Dazzling Original Garments Society depending on who you ask [what is the official name?]
Chairman, President and Club Captain; Mr Mike Finch
Founder members: Mr Mike Finch (retired banker), Captain Richard Thomas (semi-retired pilot), Captain Malcolm Scott (bandit) and Mr Charlie Ricketts (credit crunched city slave)
Fully fledged DOGS members: Mr Kevin ‘Statto’ Phillips (polymath), Mr David Stedman (jolly nice fellow), Mr Harry ‘Half Pint’ Borden (paparazzi)


CLUB RULES

General
1 No practicing
1.1 For the avoidance of doubt the taking of more than one ‘shadow swing’ whilst at address is a breach of rule 1
2 The local rules of the course will apply subject to rule 3
3 DOGS rules will override all local rules
3.1 In the event of any request for a ruling, the Chairman’s word is final
4 New members may join DOGS at the invitation of the Chairman further to
4.1 Recommended by at least 2 current members
4.2 A minimum of 6 months extreme grovelling and ingratiation
5 Membership fees will be set at zero in perpetuity
6 Player handicaps will be determined by Statto
6.1 All completed scorecards must be submitted to Statto; any reported attempts to conceal scorecards or in any way to influence Statto will be punished with handicap reduction
7 A DOGS match has a quorum of 3 players including a minimum of 2 members
8 A match becomes a qualifying DOGS fixture once 9 holes have been completed
9 Prep School dress code applies
Course Etiquette
10 Proper reference will be given to the following course landmarks
- ‘Finch’s Field’; Hole 2 out of bounds on the right;
- [Hole 3 has had Charlie’s Copse chopped down and I can’t think of an alliteration for ‘Richard’s Fairway’ (that’s the path down the right)]
- ‘Kevin’s Korner’; Hole 6 trees at the corner of the dog-leg;
- ‘Thomas’s Tee’; the 18th tee oft visited from Hole 17
- [Where’s Borden’s Bunker, David’s Ditch, Scott’s Scrub etc?]
11 Slow play; DOGS matches falling behind the game ahead must wave through any ‘chasing’ games behind
11.1 For the avoidance of doubt rule 11 does not apply if the chasing game includes the ‘Pink Lady’
12 Any member having sight of a playable line through trees (a ‘DOGS line’) must play that line. A member declining to play a ‘DOGS line’ may be reported for cowardice and invited to purchase a round of roast chicken crisps at the 19th hole
13 ‘Gimmes’ will not be allowable, except
13.1 Where a member’s ball finishes within a club’s length of the hole, or
13.2 When the Chairman so decrees
14 A member playing out of turn without invitation from playing partners may be addressed thus; ‘great shot, now play it again!’ (note this is a polite instruction to replay the shot without penalty)
DOGS competitions
15 The DOGS Masters will be held at each quarter end. The winner of the event will receive the coveted ‘Top Dog Trophy’ (kindly donated by the very nice fellow) and may have his name inscribed on it alongside those of previous illustrious winners
16 All members are encouraged to play the DOGS Masters. If a member is unable to enter the competition and is the holder of any DOGS attire or memorabilia (the Orange Shirt, the Harlequin Trousers, the Grid Shirt, the Chefs Trousers, the red cap, the yellow cap, the Explorers hat, Bolly, the Champagne Moment Trophy) he may put the relevant item ‘in play’ at the DOGS match immediately preceding the Masters and pass on the relevant item to the appropriate member (see qualifying rules 17 to 25) on completion of the round
16.1 Any member found exploiting rule 16 simply to rid himself of DOGS attire will be unceremoniously expelled from the Club
17 The winner of the Top Dog Trophy (‘the Master’) will also be entrusted with Bolly, mans best friend. Bolly must be kept in the winner’s golf bag on an appropriate BollyWood. Should the Master subsequently lose a legitimately convened DOGS match, the stewardship of Bolly will pass to the winner of the said match. The new dog-sitter will then put Bolly ‘in play’ for subsequent matches and the winner on each occasion will assume responsibility for the safety and well being of Bolly
18 Rule 13.1 will not apply to the guardian of Bolly
19 The player hitting the longest drive at the 3rd hole onto the fairway will be awarded the Red Cap (providing the current holder of the cap is playing)
19.1 For the avoidance of doubt, the fairway is the short grassy bit down the middle; the hard gritty bit down the right hand side is what is commonly known as a ‘path’
19.2 For the avoidance of doubt, a qualifying red cap drive may only be the first shot from the tee, preceded if necessary (see rule 1.1) by a maximum of one shadow swing. Subsequent picking up and dropping of the ball does not form part of ‘the first shot from the tee’
20 The player hitting their 2nd shot closest to the pin on the 12th hole will be awarded the Yellow Cap (providing the current holder of the cap is playing)
21 The losing founder member of any DOGS match involving at least 2 founder members will be awarded the Orange Shirt (providing the current holder of the shirt is playing)
22 The loser of any DOGS match will be awarded the Harlequin Trousers (providing the current holder of the trousers is playing)
23 The player furthest from the pin on the 14th hole will be awarded the Grid Shirt (providing the current holder of the shirt is playing)
23.1 The holder of the Grid Shirt must add his initials onto the shirt each time the shirt is awarded to him
24 The player hitting the most shots from a bunker in a DOGS Masters’ event will be awarded the Chef’s Trousers. These trousers are to be worn at DOGS Masters events only (except in the case of rule 16)
25 Any player hitting a drive into the canal on the 3rd hole will be awarded the Explorers Hat [is that right?] (providing the current holder of the hat is playing)
26 Each DOGS Masters event will also award the Champagne Moment Trophy to the player who creates the most memorable or remarkable feat of the day
Clubhouse Etiquette
27 No Mars bars in the Clubhouse
28 No half pints
29 No trailers in the car park
Errors and Omissions
30 Please note that not all the rules are in the rule book
30.1 For the avoidance of doubt, ignorance of rule 30 is no excuse for failure to abide by it

If the cap fits wear it!

Colin goes up in front of the Dogs ethics committee after a dispute with Charlie "2 hats" Ricketts on whether the longest drive was the longest drive!
Kevin narrowly misses taking on the Colin mantle after nearly grabbing defeat from the jaws of victory!!
Richard manages to get rid of the garish wardrobe after a 9 hole game is abandoned due to the early Tiverton monsoon!
Malcolm's handicap to be investigated after his winter training trip to the BA Bermuda Golf Training camp!

New Handicaps

Last Friday, in the hangover from the Quarterly tournament, Mike gracefully bowed out to leave a fourball of Charlie, Malcolm, Richard and Kevin.

I threw the scorecards away after updating the handicaps, but believe me it was very exciting. The high point undoubtedly two birdies from Charlie and Malcolm to take them from a few points behind to a few in front. It was finally won on the 18th by Kevin and Richard.

Anyway, new handicaps:

Charlie 16.2
David 28.5
Harry 12.4
Kevin 15.0
Malcolm 20.8
Mike 14.7
Richard 12.7

Top Dog: Colin's Tail

There is a certain place in history reserved for those that can. But there is also a place set aside for those that can't. A place reserved for those that choke. When the history of D.O.G.S. is written, there will probably be a whole section dedicated to the Colins of this world.

And so we turn to the events of Friday 25 September. While Malcolm was sunning himself in the Bahamas, and having passed on trousers, shirts etc to others as he would not be there to defend them, the Magnificent Six turned up at Tiverton GC to do battle.

After nine holes, it was clear that the apparent benign conditions were anything but. Scoring was low and Richard held the lead with 16pts. Charlie was putting a little pressure on him with 14, while the reigning Top Dog, Mike, brought up the rear with a poor 9. The other three ball was competitive but only between themselves, with scores of 13, 13 and 12.

After 12 holes it looked like a runaway victory for Richard and a chase to avoid the last spot. Richard 25, Kevin 18, David 17, Harry, Mike and Charlie all on 15. A 7 point lead with six holes remaining. Surely not?

After 16 holes Richard 28, Kevin 27, David 26, Harry 21, Mike 20 and Charlie 19. To give an indication of the scale of Richard's collapse, if the match had been played over just the last six holes the scores would have been Kevin 14, David 11, Harry 8, Mike 7, Charlie 6 and Richard just 5 points.

When the winners gather at the Champions Dinner in the future, they will not only discuss great victories but talk of near misses. Unfortunately, Richard's efforts can hardly be classified as a near miss.

Final scores: Kevin 32, Richard 30, David 28, Harry 23, Mike 22 and Charlie 21.

No Mars Bars On The Course, Please

A slow round today, held up by a fourball in front. Not that we were particularly swift ourselves with balls lost and wayward drives. All in all, a fairly forgettable round apart from the man in grey slacks shouting at Mike, "No Mars bars on the course!". Over a beer, we also discovered the secret of Richard's longer and longer drives - a bionic forearm fitted in 1989.

Anyway, the critical thing for this posting is the updated handicaps ahead of this Friday's championship. We (I) have decided to shift to the CONGU system and the handicaps for this Friday are:

Charlie 16.0
David 28.5
Harry 12.3
Kevin 15.0
Malcolm 20.8
Mike 14.6
Richard 12.6

Let's Talk About Handicaps ...

After last Friday's event, and recent rounds, the new handicaps (on the old system) are:

Charlie 18
David 36
Harry 14
Kevin 15
Malcolm 22
Mike 16
Richard 15

However, if we can compare this to the CONGU handicaps which I have calculated, for most of us, as follows:

Charlie 16.0
David 28.5
Kevin 14.3
Malcolm 21.1
Mike 15.2
Richard 13.7

Sorry, I haven't worked out Harry's yet, but as you can see there are some differences. Roughly speaking, if we had used this system last week, Charlie and Mike would have both scored 2 fewer points, I would have scored 2 more and David would have scored 7 points less. Malcolm and Richard would have been unchanged.

The benefit of the CONGU is that it is very precise, and Mike would have seen his handicap collapse from 17.9 at the end of May to 15.2 now.

Thoughts?

Summer Top Dog

There was a full complement of golfers stepping out onto the first tee at Tiverton Golf Club last week. And what a magnificent group they looked, dressed in their finery.

The 'better' three ball led off with Richard immediately losing his ball in the long grass. At the turn, scores were close with a 44 and two 46s posted. Meanwhile, bringing up the rear, Charlie and Mike were battling it out for bragging rights, both shooting 43. Given that the event was actually a stableford, it is probably more interesting to know that the point scores after nine holes were Charlie 21, Mike 20, Kevin and David with 16, Harry and Richard on 15, and Malcolm on 12.

The back nine saw Mike maintain his recent consistency with a score of 42 and 21 points, just beating Charlie's 43 and 19 points. Final scores were

Mike 41 (84, 5 pars and a birdie)
Charlie 40 (86, 6 pars and a birdie))
Harry 34 (87, 7 pars)
Kevin 34 (87, 8 pars)
Richard 30 (91, 6 pars)
David 29 (115, 1 par)
Malcolm 29 (98, 2 pars)


So, Mike now has his name on the trophy twice as Top Dog. Meanwhile, the handicap debate heats up .... to be saved for another posting at a later date.

As for prizes, Mike walked away with Bolly, the long drive and the trophy; Malcolm won two shirts and a pair of trousers; Richard the bunker trousers; and Harry the nearest the pin on the twelth. Congratulations to one and all.

Sun Shone, golf didn't

Malcolm and I set off in glorious sunshine. The course was deserted and there was not a puff of wind in the air. Everthing was perfect for a low score.

It didn't happen. Poor putting and poor chipping put paid to any prospect of a decent outcome but I hit a glorious second on the 8th (my last good shot of the round) and Malcolm hit two pars on the 1st and 17th. My only par was on the 6th, the most difficult hole.

Final scores: Malcolm 97 (31 points), Kevin 95 (28 points and the trousers).

So, Malcolm was happy with the loss of the trousers and the prosepect of an improved round tomorrow against Richard. The question is, though, will they be using the old handicap system (Malcolm 21, Richard 16) or the controversial new one proposed (Malcolm 21, Richard 13)?

Slow Play and Snaky Putts

If there is a slow play penalty, it would certainly have been imposed on Friday. Five gathered in the car park, then Mike went home to rest ... After that, it was, well, just a bit slow.

Charlie continued his form of late with a 46 over the opening nine holes, Malcolm just a shot behind on 47. In reality, this put Ewan and myself about four holes down at the turn. Then, as is now becoming the norm, Charlie maintained his form, Malcolm lost the plot (in a manner of speaking) and I pulled myself together. Final scores: Charlie 91, Kevin 92, Malcolm 99 and Ewan 110.

The particular features of the round were Malcolm's snaky putting on and from off the green, and a couple of enormous drives from Charlie (one was measured in excess of 280 yards - Richard, watch out). Malcolm's birdie on the 4th was a result of a great putt. He then put a string of pars together on the back nine. Charlie was putting for an eagle on the 1st and notched up a total of five pars, as did Kevin.

The big debate was whether to shift the handicapping system from the current one to CONGU, which is the system used by UK golf clubs. I have cross-checked a few to see what difference it makes. Malcolm old system 21 or CONGU 21.3 (very precise this new system); Charlie 20 or 19.0; Kevin 15 or 14.1; Richard 16 or 13.4.

So, what do you want to do? Old system or shall we embrace the new?

Handicap Update

Following the action on Friday, here are the updated handicaps.

Harry 14
Kevin 15
Richard 16
Mike 18
Charlie 20
Malcolm 21
David 37

Top Dog

On a breezy, wet Friday morning the D.O.G.S. gathered in all their finery for the Spring meet. With everything to play for, nerves were jangling and conversation limited. In keeping with he competitive nature of these events, there was a memorable shot off the first tee. Unlike Malcolm's effort at Carlyon Bay, Mike managed to move the ball forward - just - into the deep grass.

So, despite some truly magnificent driving by Richard, the scores at lunchtime stood at Malcolm 36 points, Charlie 35 points, Richard 32 points, Kevin 30 points and Mike 25 points. It looked as though it was going to be a close match in the afternoon, and it was still drizzling.

After the first hole of the afternoon, Charlie had made up the deficit with a peculiarly wayward (in every sense) Malcolm. By the third hole Charlie was in the lead, and there was no catching him. A front nine of 17 points was bettered by a homeward leg of 22 points. Malcolm's afternoon performance was woeful and he crept into double figures on the back nine after a final three hole flourish.

Final scores: Charlie 74 points, Kevin 64 points, Malcolm 60 points and Mike 54 points. Richard was disqualified on the basis of handing in an incomplete scorecard. Harry and David were disqualified for not entering a scorecard at all.

Charlie is Top Dog.

Sun, Rain and Hail

Mike and I set off in bright sunshine. Long drives bisected the fairway and easy shots into the green set the scene for a lovely relaxed round. Unfortunately, it proved to be a little too laid back, probably, and consequently the scores refelcted it. Mike shot 96, scoring 30 stableford points and I shot a 95 and a paltry 26 points. The big news of the round - I won the shirt for the first time on the 14th. A very strong wind moved the ball around 30 yards left to right. The other feature was the hailstorm that arrived on the 4th tee out of nowhere and the rain when we were sitting in the clubhouse.

However, I was also given a couple of cards from last week. One contained the alarmning score of 80 from Mr Thomas. As well as setting a new D.O.G.S. record for a low score, it means a big move in the handicap to 16.

Updated handicaps: Kevin 15, Richard 16, Mike 18, Malcolm 21, Charlie 21.

Tiverton, not Darlington

After a bit of a communication cock-up, this morning's fourball consisted of just three. As I was the missing body, the tale of this round can be regarded as mostly ficitional.

In muggy conditions Charlie, Richard and Mike drove off the 10th in magnificent fashion (I have no idea if this true) What is true is that all three acored three on the par three, Mike got stuck in a bunker of the relatively easy 15th scoring an eventual 11 and Richard birdied the 17th. At the turn there was little to choose between them - 18pts/18pts/16pts.

The back (front) nine was won by Mike with 45 shots but overall the match was tied for the trousers. Charlie, though strode away in the strides after a countback that went back two holes.

FInal scores Mike 95 (33 points), Richard 94 (32 points) and Charlie 94 (32 points). New handicaps are Mike 18, Richard 17 and Charlie 21.

And, apparently, Mike will be in Darlington next week.

Morwenna enters the water

Due to popular demand (well, Richard asked), here are a few photos of our boat being placed in the water in Bristol last Monday - and not sinking.


To the left, you can see 23 ton boat in air.





Below, the boat is in the water.




And, finally, boat in water with mast.





Book your holidays now at http://www.traditional-sailing.com/

22 Dreams (well 3) to Wild Wood

We headed out along Friday Street to Tiverton GC: Mike, Richard and me. Come On/Let's Go, cried Mike as we set off down the 10th, as we always seem to do on a Friday morning. Richard hit the fairway, Mike and I found the Wild Wood. There we searched the Leafy Mysteries until our balls were found and hit into the Wild Blue Yonder. After Richard's second shot, he was Wishing on a Star for a Brand New Start as he had smacked it into the Broken Stones. But after that beginning, Richard was the Changing Man, knocking up four consecutive pars., a triple bogey then another par. He strode along, chest out as if he was in his Peacock Suit.

Sorry, I cannot keep up the Paul Weller references any longer. Richard played well, shooting 87 (8 pars). Mike and I did not play badly, but seemed to revert to the bad old ways of looking for the miracle shots out of the trees. Scores of 100 and 91 respectively were not good.

Unfortunately, a PC crash means no updated handicaps for the moment, but I am hopeful this will be rectified in the coming few days.

Highlight of the round: Richard almost being blackballed from the Club only a week after being admitted. Apparently, greenkeepers don't like being used as targets on the green. If they had watched us play, they would have known that was the safest place to stand - especially the humourless guy by the flag.

And, by the way, the Paul Weller concert in Plymouth last night was great.

Scott is back

The story of today's round was the return of Malcolm, his first appearance on a golf course since late November. He was in fine form, driving majestically and putting with great power, not much precision though.

The front nine was dominated by conversation relating to how the Scot's have brought this country to its knees (Scottish banks, Scottish PM, Scottish Chancellor, Scottish anything really) and by some startlingly consistent play by Mike. He struck 4 pars and just one double bogey on a first nine of 41.

Standing ouside the pro shop at the turn, I was engaged in conversation by a visitor in plus twos (slightly longer than plus fours, I believe) who had not a single complimentary word to say about our mighty club. I hope he lost his match.

The second half saw Mike fail to pass the trees on the 9th, me fail to round the corner on the 7th and Malcolm hit a cracking drive on the 8th with my driver.

Final scores: Mike 89 (36 pts and 5 pars), Kevin 88 (33 pts and 5 pars) and Malcolm 97 (30 pts and 3 pars).

Updated handicaps: Mike 18, Kevin 14, Malcolm 21.

Richard's Dream Round

Richard asked me what his score would be based on his best score on each hole.

It is 63.

You have scored a par on every hole, birdies on 2 3 4 13 15 and 18, and an eagle on 5.

Other dream rounds are

Harry: 61
Kevin: 63
Mike: 70
Malcolm: 75
Charlie: 75
David: 99

Handicap update

After yesterday's monthly medal, I can now reveal the official handicaps (previous handicaps in brackets).



Kevin: 14 (14)
Harry: 14
Richard: 17 (17)
Mike: 19 (18)
Malcolm: 20
Charlie: 22
David: 37